I Could Fly (Or I Could Fall)
by myhomeistheshire
Summary: Sam leaves Alex without an explanation, only to resurface a year later demanding to see her.


Alex had spent her life building up walls. Pushing people out, making herself stronger by keeping everyone at a distance. It was the only way to survive, and that was the one thing she knew how to do.

But then Sam had come along, and he'd been nothing like she'd expected. He was strong, like her, and he accepted that part of her that she'd always thought would be condemned - the part of her that shot Vlad where he stood, that never stopped fighting to be free no matter how many people she took down in the process. He'd taken down her walls, one by one, and then she'd finally let her guard down and kissed him. But even when she pushed him away after that, he hadn't given up on her.

And then after her walls had all but vanished, he'd left.

She'd been so certain he wouldn't leave her that she'd convinced the whole team to look for him, until the thoughts behind their pitying gazes had become reality. Birkhoff found the money trail almost immediately, tracing Sam to Bermuda, just long enough to confirm he hadn't been kidnapped.

After that Alex had shut herself up in her room for an hour to break down where no one could see her. And then she went on with business as usual, like Sam had never even existed. The others were careful about avoiding his name, and she could almost convince herself that she didn't miss him like a hole in her gut, like a piece of herself that went missing the day he left.

Almost.

Until one day, over a year later. Long after she'd learned to live with missing him, when Sonya came into her bunk on the plane with a wary look on her face and a tablet clutched tightly in her fingers.

"What is it?" Alex asked immediately, on alert. Sonya opened her mouth, then closed it again. She seemed to be bracing herself.

"Alex, it's...it's Sam."

And with those three words Alex's world was turned upside down. Suddenly she was back to the girl whose heart had been ripped out of her chest, who was lost and scared and alone.

"What about him?" Her words came out cool and collected, unlike the wave of emotions churning through her. But then she'd had lots of practice, covering things up, keeping her feelings tucked away inside.

"He's back on the radar. Showed up in Paris at one of the old warehouses and sent us a message demanding to talk."

Alex brought her hands up to her forehead, pushing her hair back. _Paris._ "Any idea why now?" She asked Sonya, to get her mind off of that.

"No idea." Sonya replied, sighing in exhasperation. "We've already changed our course, we should be on the ground in just over an hour."

_So soon,_ Alex thought. There wouldn't be much time to prepare herself, to arm up her walls to face him. But then, she'd had a year on her own to get him out of her head. So this was about as prepared as she could be.

"Fine. Thank you, Sonya." Sonya shot her a smile then, that somehow managed to convey sympathy and understanding all at once, before walking out of the room. Sonya was good with people, Alex had to admit that. She hadn't been sure about letting the girl on the team at first, but over the years they'd become as close friends as Alex had ever had.

Taking a deep breath, Alex started packing up the few things she needed. Weapons, mostly. She'd imagined this scenario a thousand times in her head, but now that it was really happening all she could feel was anger, covering up the hurt and betrayal.

When they reached the warehouse they did a thorough check for anything out of the ordinary around the perimiter before entering. Before they stepped inside Michael shot Alex a look, asking without words if this was okay, if she could handle it. She gave him a slight nod, bracing herself as she took the first step through the doorway.

And there he was, standing in the center of the warehouse, looking exactly the same as the day she'd last seen him while at the same time looking entirely different. He had a bag slung over his shoulder, and his stance was the same relaxed, but ready to burst into action poise that he'd always had.

He glanced up at them now, and his gaze landed on Alex. His mouth opened just a fraction, his eyes taking her in all at once.

"Alex?" He took a step towards her, and the shock of seeing him was so much to take in that she didn't know what to say, or do, or think.

"You feel like telling us why you dragged us all the way out here?" Michael said, stepping in to cover Alex's silence. Sam took a moment to respond, still staring at Alex. And seeing him, having him standing right in front of her after so long of never expecting to see him again, was like a dream, a fantasy she couldn't trust to be real.

"I needed to tell you something." He took a deep breath, still looking at Alex. "I needed to explain why I left."

Birkhoff stepped out in front of her, and Alex felt a rush of affection for her friends, forming a protective circle around her.

"Then explain. And make it quick, 'cause as soon as you're finished making douchebag excuses I wanna kick your ass."

"Please." Sam snorted. "I could take you with both hands tied behind my back."

"Oh, really?" Birkhoff was on his way to becoming seriously pissed, when Nikita spoke.

"Boys, back off. Sam, you can explain, but don't expect us to welcome you back with open arms." She glanced at Alex. "You left a lot of people wondering about you when you left."

"I know, and I'm sorry." He said, and just this once his unflinching gaze wavered to the ground.

"So what was it?" Alex stepped forward, her voice coming out clear and ringing. "What was so important that you left without any warning?" Her voice grew louder as she took another step towards him. "You were gone for _a year,_ Sam. A year without a call, or an email, or anything just to say that you were alright. I thought you were _dead!_" She noticed vaguely that the others had backed out of the room, leaving her and Sam alone in the warehouse. Her hands were shaking, and she clenched them into fists, her nails digging into her palms so hard they hurt.

"I'm sorry." Sam said, but it wasn't enough, it would never be enough. "Just - let me explain."

"Fine." She was detached now, pulling back, focusing on keeping her breathing slow and her hands steady. Retreating behind the walls she'd built back up after he'd left.

"A couple days before I left, I ran into some trouble. A few guys I'd gotten on the wrong side of on a mission for Percy for grabbed me, brought me to an old parking lot to rough me up a bit." He was talking quickly now, like he wanted to get it all out as fast as he could. "I got out before they did any serious damage, but it left me with a couple cracked ribs." Alex remembered that, how he'd gotten back to the house and winced when she'd brushed up against his side to kiss his cheek. "Before I knocked them out, they said they had friends in Russian intel. Friends who wanted me dead, who would take out anyone to get to me. And then they handed me a folder on you. Pictures of you, floor plans, a perfectly mapped out schedule of your every move for months. They said they were supposed to pass on a message, that if I didn't disappear there'd be a very big news event coming soon." He met her eyes, now. "The death of Alexandra Udinov."

"So you just left without saying anything?" Alex stepped forward, fury blazing through her. "I could've taken precautions, I could've gone quiet for a while. I can take care of myself!"

"I know you can!" Sam's voice was raised now, too. "But you had a life, you were _happy._ I couldn't take all that away. I couldn't be with you until I'd gotten rid of the people who wanted to hurt you!"

Alex shook her head, swallowing the lump in her throat. "No. No, you don't get to make those decisions for me. And how could you even _think_ that I would've wanted you to leave? To hell with the consequences, _I loved you!_" And there it was, in the open. The thing she'd always wanted to say, but couldn't until it was too late. And now that she'd said it she wished she could take it back, go back to the avoidance and denial she'd surrounded herself with before those three words had pried their way from her throat.

Sam didn't respond at first, and Alex could see that whatever he'd been expecting, that wasn't it.

"I have to go." She turned away, wanting to hide her face, to disappear to a place where she could escape everything.

"Alex, wait!" Sam's hand caught her wrist, and and as he turned her back to face him Alex forced herself to breathe, to think.

"What?" Her breath hitched in her throat, the words coming out grating and harsh. "What else do you want?"

"I loved you, too." Sam's gaze was unwavering, and Alex couldn't bring herself to look away. "I still do."

Alex pulled her wrist away, cradling it to her chest. "No, you don't get to do that. You don't get to come back here and say that after all this time and expect me to trust you again!" Tears were spilling over her eyelids now and she wiped them back with the palm of her hand, cursing herself for crying in front of him. But Sam just took a step closer and wrapped her in his arms, murmuring senseless reassurances into her ear. And finally she broke down and let herself cry, her head nestled into his chest and her hands balled in front of her. When she'd cried herself out she lifted her head, and Sam caught her face in his hands.

"I know you can't trust me right now. I know I hurt you." He said, swallowing. "But what I'm asking for is a chance, to prove to you that I'm sorry."

Alex had built up and fortified her walls every day for a year. This choice, this decision would change all of that.

"Okay."

She didn't leave his arms for a long time after that.


End file.
